Thank you, but you don't need to share your cigarette.

I am going to kill the girl sitting next to me. Really! I may actually do it!

One might ask what could inspire such vitriol (We all know how popular that word has become lately.) and hatred, and that is a perfectly reasonable question - one that I will answer immediately. 

The ho in question is happily and obliviously enjoying a cigarette, while blowing puffs of smoke in my face. As I am not a train, this is entirely unnecessary, and I find it very annoying considering the fact that I am trying to sit here and mind my own business. You may ask why I don't move, and that, my friend, is also a fairly reasonable question. Here's why:

WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I HAVE TO MOVE IF SHE'S THE ONE ENGAGING IN THE OFFENSIVE BEHAVIOR? More importantly, I have a very nice spot on a large bench in the sun that is also surrounded by walls so I'm protected from the wind. It's really quite perfect, and I am not willing to give it up, damnit! 

What's so frustrating about this is that it happens all the time! Seriously, smokers??! WTF? Not only is your habit extremely annoying to those around you, but it also makes you and your clothes smell like you got in a boxing match with a wildfire. Plus, it's bad for you! Didn't you listen to the DARE programs in school? Has showing 10 year olds pictures of black tar-filled lungs and old people with holes in their throats stopped sufficiently scaring the shit out of them?

You should really stop smoking; this isn't Mad Men (though it could be if you added a gold-rimmed tumbler of whiskey, demanded the nearest female make you a sandwich, and created a conspicuous lack of Jews and black people).

I know some people aren't willing to give up their unhealthy and obnoxious habit, but at the very least they could GO THE HELL AWAY, because I'd really rather not smoke YOUR cigarette.

As I write this, I am making increasingly less subtle coughing sounds in the hopes that Ms. Idontgiveafuckaboutanyoneelse will get the picture and vacant the premises (aka my immediate vicinity). Unfortunately for me, though, this does not seem to be working, and at this point, I believe things can go one of two ways.

First, she will move, and I will be happy as Glenn Beck with a chalk board. 

Second, you will never hear from me again, as I will be in jail, because I AM GOING TO TAKE THE CIGARETTE AND SHOVE IT UP HER NOSE SO THAT IT IMPALES HER BRAIN. 

All in all, this tangent was very productive, because I actually feel a little better after ranting. Plus, she walked away, and I think it was because she noticed some weirdo next to her typing a little too furiously and glaring viciously at a computer screen.